I make myself the same question my dear friend Mick once did to his Angie...

I found this pic on google...isn't it beautiful ?

Angie, Angie, when will those clouds all disappear?
Angie, Angie, where will it lead us from here?
With no loving in our souls and no money in our coats
You can't say we're satisfied
But Angie, Angie, you can't say we never tried
Angie, you're beautiful, but ain't it time we said good-bye?
Angie, I still love you, remember all those nights we cried?
All the dreams we held so close seemed to all go up in smoke
Let me whisper in your ear:
Angie, Angie, where will it lead us from here?

Oh, Angie, don't you weep, all your kisses still taste sweet
I hate that sadness in your eyes
But Angie, Angie, ain't it time we said good-bye?
With no loving in our souls and no money in our coats
You can't say we're satisfied
But Angie, I still love you, baby
Ev'rywhere I look I see your eyes
There ain't a woman( man , in this case) that comes close to you
Come on Baby, dry your eyes
But Angie, Angie, ain't it good to be alive?
Angie, Angie, they can't say we never tried



This Rolling Stones song describes some thoughts of mine .
One trying alone can't really go any far . Loving Angie seems not to be enough, cause my Angie seems to own a distant heart, a distant mind, a distant soul, and very distant plans . Way distant .
Angie seems to be very indifferent , giving me the impression that these clouds will never desappear . I guess Angie wouldn't lead us any farther from here . I mean nowhere .
Angie doesn't show any exitement, never express too much feelings, and hardly any share some personal thoughts or point of view. Angie don't seem to dream at all .
Angie's foot look just like trees' roots attached to the underground . Angie doesn't realize time is getting short, and that the land is getting dry .
Angie seems to be a northern kind of flower that will never bloom. A kind of dove that will never fly away .
Sorry if one of these days I might not be able to wait anymore. I've been feeling my wings are growing they by day, and soon they won't fit this little iron cage anymore . One of these days I'll have to spread them all over this big world .

That's Marie Fredriksson...one of my best friends .

I've always wished to meet up Marie to talk some time...cause sometimes I get the impression she sings about everything about me, my feelings and thoughts .
This swedish singer may not know...but she has always been one of my best friends . Even though I've never seen her .
That's some of her Roxette's songs that pretty much how I'm feeling right now .

"And I fill the bedroom with silent visions of rain. And I paint the morning with echoes from pleasure in pain. I don't want to touch emotions, I just got to run away. Electric blue like oceans, wild like lovers sway. And I seal the pillow and shatter dreams down the hall. And I hang the heartache like pictures on the wall. Can you hear the sound of angels they're playing hurting games? Well, I'm a stranger when I'm leaving, I was a stranger when I came. "

" In the coldest time of year, Darkness all around my heart. I was alone but didn't fear To wander in the light of stars. In the bright and silent night, Winds would knock and disappear. Still I felt the feeling near, Like the first time you were ever here. You're so far away, So far away, You left me, You told me you would stay. You never said goodbye And I'll keep asking why, I keep on asking how, Oh come unto me now. I have breathed the morning air, I have heard the four winds blow. I was weary but prepared to follow Down this lonely road. In the room where lovers sleep, Winds would knock and disappear. Still I felt the music near, Like the first time we were ever here. You're so far away, So far away, You left me, You told me you would stay. You never said goodbye And I keep wondering why, I keep on wondering how... "

"In a time where the sun descends alone
I ran a long long way from home
To find a heart that's made of stone
...
Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower

Tell me why
When I scream there's no reply
When I reach out there's nothing to find
When I sleep I break down and cry

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower

Fading like a rose
Fading like a rose
Beaten by the storm
Talking to myself
Getting washed by the rain
It's such a cold cold town..." "Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
Then I thank the Lord above
That you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time..."

"But to wish you'd think about me before you go to sleep
And I wish you the best there is before you go to sleep.

There are tears without the colour
A million seas with water
An ocean full of people where shattered hearts can go.

And love's a golden ripple where answers are so simple
But the explanations are very hard to do.

And I wish you'd think about me before you go to sleep..."

"I wish I could fly
Out in the blue
Over this town
Following you
I'd fly over rooftops
The great boulevards
To try to find out
Who you really are
Who you really are

I wish I could fly now...

"Beautiful things
Like leaves on a tree
Beautiful things
The sky and the sea
Since you've been gone
No beautiful things
Seem beautiful to me

Is there someone I can talk to?
Someone out there on the line?
Does anybody want to hear
What's on my mind? "

"I was alone
I told my mouth to shut up cos I was talking to myself
like I always do when I'm stuck
Well, I was crying
You could be crying too
I was screaming throungh the window, I keep missing you
And the tears came down from the sky
And the rain feel hard on my eyes..."

"We're very much the same, you and I.
The sweet hello, the sad goodbye.
Still waiting to get hurt, time after time.
The sweet hello, the sad goodbye.
When love lies in our hands, we run away and hide.
And I can't help but wonder why.
The sweet hello, the sad goodbye..."

"The mornin' comes and you're reaching out for me
just like everything's the same
and I let myself believe things are gonna change.
When you kiss my mouth and you hold my body close,
do you wonder who's inside?
Maybe there's no way we could feel each other's pain.
Tell me why it gets harder to know where I stand.
I guess loneliness found a new friend, here I am

You don't understand me...

You don't understand me, my dreams or the things I believe in..."

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life...

"And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything?
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I will be...yeah

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
Can't it be, can't it be mine..." ( Pearl Jam )

I hope the sun never goes down .

"I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I've grown tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

It's much too late to save myself from falling...
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself it's always someone else
I see I just allowed a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh, the right romantic line
See me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me, baby don't
Just because you think I mean you harm...

Oh, Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself it's always someone else
I see I just allowed a fragment of your life to wander free
Cause' losing everything is like the sun going down on me " ( Elton John, George Michael )

ps: It's amazing how some songs have the power to describe exactly what we feel .

Just a fool .

" So though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain

Raindrops falling from heaven
Will never wash away my misery
But since we're not together
I'll wait for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you'll never see

Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool

But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain..." ( A-Ha )

Guess I'm a little portion of Sunday ice cream .

Studying too much may cause a big brain damage . It may spoil your soul . It may break your heart . It may turn you into a boring lonely human . Sometimes I wonder if all the misunderstandings and relationships' break ups has to do with some unconsciouness desire to move on to a different life .

I see everyone fading away, like cars desappearing on the horizon, and though I still can see them, I cannot hear anything, destracted on my own thoughts . Lively loud distant thoughts , and visions of a colorful brand new world . Pleasant or not . A world that my dearest friends, that I have been knowing for so long, won't probably fit in or have the interest to make part of . At least not now .

I see a long stairway that lies up ahead, and I don't see any known face in the crowd . I've been feeling like I'm in a big bank line . You know everyone is there for different reasons, and no matter what's this reason, it's all about money . No matter if you are a whore instead of a priest. Doesn't really matter the fact that you wish fucking one per day, though you don't drink or smoke .

Doesn't really matter that getting your heart cracked down by an asshole teenager made of you a well succeded business woman that fires one thousand honest men from a big industry . Doesn't matter if you regret your drug addiction destroyed many families, including yours . Doesn't matter that all your patience and help were not enough to save someone from commiting suicide . Doesn't matter if your cousin calls you a murderer for forgetting that you took care from your grandma about ten years though you missed only one hospital day .

Doesn't matter that you hate kids but choosed marrying a man to realize later that he has hidden for of them from you . Doesn't matter if you vote a perfect President that after few months sent your only child to some Middle-East war . Doesn't matter that you studied so hard even though you knew there wouldn't be any job for you . Doesn't really matter if you are a fat girl that starved in an African diet to get thin and still there's no one for you . Doesn't matter that you wish being a singer but singing in the Church group never really developed your terrible voice.

Doesn't really matter that you are a doctor that saved many though there'll be none youth pill to fool death when it comes . Doesn't matter if you are happy or sad . Just like the bankline, it's all about life , and your life it's only your business , though all of us may have a common , and maybe universal worry, about the Dow Jones ups and downs . All I mean is that I'm not sure if I miss what I used to be or not, but I really think I've never been too much different than this .

Guess if I could choose which week's day I'd like to be, it would probably be Sunday( I'm very similar to it ). I've always been swering sundays for being so boring...even though it has an ice cream name . I wish to be a Sunday ice cream - a good portion for only 1 person .

Can you please serve me in little portions ?

Sweet Addicting Words .

Hello "me" :)

Long talkings turned into hi and cya . The subjects seem to have faded away, like if all of our words had gotten freezed somewhere in time . Absence of excitement . No sweetness, no daily messages .
Now and then short prepared texts, nothing really original . No music, or any other type of candy . No "have a nice day" e-mails, nothing on my walls . No drunk calls . And I hope I don't become just one more life's obligation . I've never wanted to be similar to a "I've gotta go to school" phrase .
Passion has been tasting like everyday rice and beans .
Guess it's important to remind that this love has been built by written words . And these are the words I don't have anymore . These are the words I miss more than skin touch . Addictive words .
Everything is growing cold . And now we seem to be one of those snowmen that stands in the snow, smiling to the emptiness, waiting for the next Spring, to finally melt away . Melt away, turn into water . The water that comes back to the ocean, to finally desappear in the blue skyes .

Neither Vogue nor Scientific American !

Hello "me" .
I don't know what has been happening lately, but seems everyone is getting engaged or married . And the few married ones are getting pregnant . I don't know why, but I've never been close to any . That makes me wonder if maybe my will is to be a scientist, the one who doesn't marry for having a general love for humans, and not for someone in specific .
I remember I've been fascinated for science since very young , and since then I'd shock people saying I wouldn't get married or have kids . First time I said that I was 6 years old, according to mom .
Girls used to play "mom and dad", and I'd rather be the "crazy scientist", making my parents buy me all those chemistry features, that most of the kids didn't have any interest in . I still love science, but nowadays I start wondering if it's a good choice having nothing, but a brilliant lonely brain as company in the sunday evening or saturday night .
A life with a whole bunch of dirty nose loud kids, and a big belly husband sat down in the sofa, with the beer in his hand, complaining that your food doesn't taste as good as it used to, and that besides that you've been needing a diet, has always sounded like a miserable life to me . Cause a family will never be a a real normal family if the house ain't dirty( full of socks and glasses everywhere ), if kids don't cry during lunch time( they always have been hating lunch ), and if you and your husband don't argue for the most little idiot things twice a week( at least ) . I used to think someone who chooses such type of life might have some mental disturb, but nowadays I wonder if having a brilliant lonely brain as company in the last day of your life will make you feel fine .
I don't have a clue of what it's the worst of the ideas : if the idea that you spend a lifetime building a scientifical theory, that probably won't have any value tomorrow( cause scientifical knowledge has always been discardable somehow ) , or if the idea that you spend long years fucking the same man, that out of the blue looks at your "ugly just woke up face"and say " I don't love you anymore " .
Both cases don't seem too much pleasant, but I guess the " I don't love you anymore " may sound the most terrible thing to a normal woman . Well, we gotta remember that all genius that has lived in this Earth had nothing but a scholarship inside their pockets; the 3rd degree cousin they didn't even know about may get rich with the "now famous", and yet dead, books . I wonder how cool might be to a the dead scientist to see, from the dephts of hell, the 3rd degree cousin or uncle getting the Nobel( "representing him", course ) .
Thinking that way, there's no much glamour in science . Will you ever be on Vogue magazine for cleaning kid's butt or for not letting them eat dog's shit ? Well, maybe the paparazzi and the whole world would even find some "ecologicaly correct" reason for your action( cleaning kid's butt and not letting them eat dog's shit )...in case you were Madonna or Gisele .
And after all I still don't know what is the best option...does anyone ?
That's probably why Einstein and his friends has gone crazy . Maybe going crazy is the 3rd option .

Smile: It's You in the Newspaper !

Hello "me" .

What do you hide behind your smile ?
Cause yesterday I looked right inside your ears, and I thought I found my best-friend .
Today I've heard that every single word that came out of my suffering heart has become a cancer .
A cancer that has been spreading all over. For your evil tongue may not shut up .
And now it smells . It smells as bad as a wine hangover's vomit .
It ain't the smell that comes from my cancer, but from your soul .
So yes, I've got a desease...and you are the sick one .

PS -> That's what happens when you trust wrong people; you cry out your pain, they see your wounds and make it become a cancer as they spread it away .
For some people there is no "news"...you are their own news . It's you in their mouth, and in strangers' ears .
I'm very thankful I have at least a few good friends .

Me, You and My Demons .

With big strong arms
To protect me from everything I can't run away from
To defend me from my ownself
And everything else I fear the most

With big shoulders
Like a roof above my head when the world falls apart
To make me feel sure of better days
And everything that may come

With big hands
To touch me in bed
And to be "The God's helping hand" when I'm bad
Cause all of us go through pain and pleasure

With big eyes
To look at me and see how ugly or evil I can be
And still show mercy
When the last one has left for regarding only my sins

With big nose
Like the wind that blows away the fetid dead flower
Bringing new air
Instead of throwing it away

A big one
Big enough to walk beside me
And strong enough to walk beside my demons

Flowers as a gift...You shouldn't forget them at home .

"You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When I come through the door
At the end of the day

I remember when
You couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me
Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you, babe
And you're feelin' alright
Well you just roll over
And turn out the light
And you don't bring me flowers anymore
...
And baby, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to cry
Well I learned how to love
even learned how to lie
So you'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
You don't bring me flowers anymore

Well you'd think I could learn
how to tell you 'goodbye'
You don't say you need me
You don't sing me love songs
You don't bring me flowers anymore..." ( Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond )

ps: Love is in the eyes of those who bring flowers .
I see flowers in the eyes of those who have their heart fulfilled with love . I see daisy flowers in the young lovers' smile .
Maybe not this time . Maybe next time then .

Purple hopes and shining stars .

Hello "me" :)
I'm starting a new blog cause I got "tired" of the other one I used to have , but this one is also meant to be a "lonely one", I mean, where I write from myself to my ownself. Eventually the other only 4 friends that know I write may come here sometimes, but well, it's impossible not to be "found" sometimes .

One of these days I was thinking about self-searching .
Why do humans keep on an eternal searching for themselves ?
There's absolutly nothing to be found .
Do you really want to find who you are ?
I describe my inside as a dark sky full of purple hopes and shining stars , and these stars have a very bright light so then all may get blinded . You'll never see what's behind and beyond . These stars glows for minutes, days or years, and they rise and fall, as a doubt shows up or fades away. They come and go . All the time. Everytime . My heart is full of singing sins, big sized doubts and simple desires . That's what a forever-working-mind is about . And when it comes to the stars, all I can say is that they are compounded by feelings, dreams and air . Lots of fresh air and doubts .
I really hope no one ever finds me . I don't wanna be caught by my ownself either .
While I wonder about all the growing stars that fufills me, I know, I'm nothing but empty skyes . Young, ignorant, full of fears, and desparattely begging Mother Life, Sacred God, Alá or Shiva to give me a 90 years old lady's experience . Rewritting old ways, walking around in circles . Trying to erase the dead, long ago buried . Predicting the same next old mistake . Already missing what is yet to go away . 'Cause Time is the type of father that never will show you any mercy . And who wants to feel that cold northern blowing wind cutting every inside vein ? I don't really believe someone will ever wish to hear pain's annoucement by bleeding . There's should be better paths then .
So, please, you may touch me with your sweet rough hands, but never with your bitter tender eyes .